Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy stormy, Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)
The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving.
This explains why there was a car accident. By the away, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen either.

*

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she
goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his
tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, “REEBOK.”
She thinks that’s a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, “When I
play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and REEBOK pays me for the
advertisement.”
A bit later he takes his pants off and she sees “PUMA” tattoed on his
leg. He gives her the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.

Finally, his underwear (like he really wears any) comes off and she sees
the word “AIDS” tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock. “I’m not
going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!” He says “It’s cool baby. Relax, in a
minute it’s going to say “ADIDAS”.

There were three men stranded on an island.
They had been there for a very long time, when one morning a magic lamp washed upon the shore. The men saw it and picked it up.

The men rubbed the lamp and a genie popped appeared. After the genie rose up he granted the men one wish each.
The first man thought about his wish and made it count. After thinking the man finally said, “I wish I was back at home.”
Then poof, he disappeared.
The second man thought about his wish also and made important. Finally the man said, “I wish I was at home with my family.”
Then poof, he vanished.
The last wish went to the last man on the island. He looked around and felt very lonely. It took a while to think of a good wish and finally an idea came into his mind.
The third man said, “I wish that my two best friends were back on this island with me,” and poof, the two other men appeared on the island again.

How much is that Barbie in the Window?…

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”
In a condescending manner, she says “Which Barbie?”
She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00”.
Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”
“That’s obvious” the sales lady says. “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

Little Kathy is talking with her mom:
Kathy: Mom, why do you have white hairs?
Mother: That’s what happens when we have naughty children such as you!
Kathy: Oh! Now I understand why grandma has white hairs!!

An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”
Thank God we can call on Him any time day or night!
One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but couldn’t find a way to cross the river.
The first man prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength, courage, and ability to cross this river.” Poof!
God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength, courage, and ability to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength, courage, and ability to cross this river.” And poof! God turned him into a woman and he walked across the bridge.

The Perfect Man?
The perfect man is gentle,
Never cruel or mean;
He has a beautiful smile-
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children,
And will raise them by your side;
He will be a good father-
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking,
Cleaning and vacuuming too;
He’ll do anything in his power-
To convey his feelings of love on you.
The perfect man is sweet,
Writing poetry from your name;
He’s a best friend to your mother-
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or hurt you In any way;
Oh, fuck this stupid poem-
The perfect man is gay.

*
At a large college there was a football player that was extremely stupid. He sat beside a boy in class that was
really smart and the teacher knew that he was cheating, but she just couldn’t catch him.
One day she was grading a test and she noticed that the smart boy had written “I don’t know the answer” on number 10.
So she looked at the jock’s paper and smiled. He had finally given himself away. His answer looked like this:
10. me neither

SPF stands for ‘sun protection factor’. In the United States and other countries around the world, people use lotion on the parts of their bodies that will have sunlight shining on them. Protection from the
rays of the sun has become more and more important now that the sun’s rays are stronger. You can see the SPF and a number after it on most products used for tanning (getting brown under the sun). The higher the
number, the more protection you will get from the sunshine.

M O N E Y
> > It can buy a House
> > But not a Home
> > It can buy a Bed
> > But not Sleep
> > It can buy a Clock
> > But not Time
> > It can buy you Food
> > But not an Appetite
> > It can buy you a Book
> > But not Knowledge
> > It can buy you a Position
> > But not Respect
> > It can buy you Medicine
> > But not Health
> > It can buy you Blood
> > But not Life
> > It can buy you Sex
> > But not Love
> > It can buy you Insurance
> > But not Safety
> > So you see money isn’t everything. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering, So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. A truer Friend than me you will never find.
> > Cash only please.

DEEPER MEANING.
Do you know what is family?
Do you really understand what is behind the word ‘family’?
Here is the answer…….
> FAMILY =
> (F)ather
> (A)nd
> (M)other
> (I)
> (L)ove
> (Y)ou

> WHY does a man want to have a WIFE? Because of:
> W = Washing
> I = Ironing
> F = Food
> E = Entertainment

> WHY does a woman want to have a HUSBAND? Because of:
> H = Housing
> U = Understanding
> S = Sharing
> B = Buying
> A = and
> N = Never
> D = Demanding

> Do you know that a simple “HELLO” can be a sweet one?
> Especially from your love one.
> (I mean not only from the boyfriend/girlfriend).
> The word HELLO means :
> H = How are you?
> E = Everything all right?
> L = Like to hear from you
> L = Love to see you soon!
> O = Obviously, I miss you ….. so, HELLO! Good day

I asked God
I asked God for water, he gave me an ocean.
> I asked God for a flower, he gave me a garden.
> I asked God for a tree, he gave me a forest.
> I asked God for a friend, he gave me YOU.
>
> “There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one
> candle.” The Candle of Love, Hope and Friendship
>
>        ()
>       |  |
>       |  |
>       |  |
———
> This candle was lit on behalf of those who perished in the Sept 11th
> attack on America. Someone who loves you has helped keep it alive by
> sending it to you.
> Don’t let The Candle Of Love, Hope and Friendship die!  Pass it on to all
> of your friends and everyone you love.