To: Master of the house
From: Dog
Subject: Cat
The cat is despicable. She doesn’t do any tricks and never comes when you call and I’ve been there and
I know she can hear you. We need to face facts: It’s time to get rid of the cat.
Before the cat’s arrival, meals were very festive times. I would  sit and stare attentively at
your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You would play the game of pretending to be cross
and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food
under the table. Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table – actually physically walk on
the table! You do’t yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I
know you don’t see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me.

And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty pellets of meat by-products you
bring home in the giant bags, right? Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal?
But now I find out that the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab – and she never consumes
all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be
blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets,
isn’t that what’s important?

Then there’s play time. I think we can clearly see that I am a big dog, descended from a noble line
of hunters accustomed to chasing prey and attacking it. Haven’t I nearly managed to take down a few cars
as they’ve driven past the house? The cat is about the size of a squirrel and in my view should behave
like one, but when I attempt to chase her, she hunches up and spits at me! This can’t be sanitary.
And shouldn’t she be declawed? I’m very concerned about the potential for damage to the furniture and my nose.

Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the at goes to the bathroom in the house? And not in the
drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if  some woman
brings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet?
I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason.
I’m not the only one who believes the cat is an evil

Yours truly,
T. Dog

Written by unknown