Noel Coward~ I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
When a dirty kid has finished taking a bath, what is still dirty? The bathtub.
The Sphynx cat always enjoys sitting in front of you and looking at you with a loving glance.
B. J. Gupta~ In order to find a good quotation in a dictionary of humorous quotations I didnt leave any stone unturned.
The thing I fear most is fear. -Michel Eyquem
Dogs think they’re human. Cats think they’re gods.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Question: What’s the difference between sin and shame? Answer: It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.
Choosing what you want to do, and when to do it, is an act of creation. -Peter Mcwilliams
Where the goat leaps, leaps that which sucks her. – Spanish Proverb
The goal of education is to replace an empty mind with an open mind. -Malcolm Forbes
H.L. Mencken~ Never let your inferiors do you a favor – it will be extremely costly.

I hear you lost your cat? Check under my tire.
Beginning and ending shake hands. – German Proverb
Trouble is only opportunity in work clothes.
Obstacles cannot crush me. Every obstacle yields to stern resolve. He who is fixed to a star does not change his mind. -Leonardo Da Vinci
Henry Kissinger~ The conventional army loses if it does not win. The guerrilla wins if he does not lose.
Jim Rohn~ Success is nothing more than a few simple disciplines practiced every day…
Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.

John Ruskin~ The highest reward for mans toil is not what he gets for it but what he becomes by it.
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words. -Unknown
George Bush~ I have opinions of my own – strong opinions – but I dont always agree with them.
Q: Define Transvestite:A: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
Mary: Do you think my sister’s pretty? Gary: Well, let’s just say if you pulled her pigtail she’d probably say ‘oink, oink ‘!
Ford Maddox~ Only two classes of books are of universal appeal. The very best and the very worst.
Sorry I missed church, I was busy practicing witchcraft
Redneck Vocabulary: Ovair – In that direction.

Sarah Ban Breathnach~ Always remember that striving and struggle precede success even in the dictionary.
Too much Sanity is madness, but the madest of all is to see life as it is and not as it should be.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
When a person applies enthusiasm to his job, the job will itself become alive with exciting new possibilities. -Norman Vincent Peale
The mere fact that you have obstacles to overcome is in your favor… -Robert Collier

John Ray~ Adversity makes men wise but not rich.
From shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations. – Italian Proverb
The envious man’s face grows sharp and his eyes big. – Spanish Proverb
There are no big problems, there are just a lot of little problems. -Henry Ford
Groucho Marx~ It isnt necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

It is a shameful thing for the soul to faint while the body still perseveres. -Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
God take you, pound (of flax), drunk out and not yet spun. – Spanish Proverb
No one should live by the early bird policy without finding out whether he classifies as a bird or a worm.
Q: How many ‘Real Women’ does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A ‘Real Woman’ would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.
The purely agitation attitude is not good enough for a detailed consideration of a subject. – Jawaharlal Nehru
Alimony is having an ex-husband you can bank on.

Where do you usually find dogs? It all depends on where you lose them.
That which is cheap is dear. – Spanish Proverb
To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart. -Donald Laird
Concentration is the ability to think about absolutely nothing when it is absolutely necessary. -Ray Knight
Why did the cannibal live on his own? He was fed up with other people.
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy. -Scott Alexander
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts~ I hope that after I die people will say of me That guy sure owed me a lot of money.

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man health, wealthy and wise.
Everything depends.
What one does not bake, another brews. – German Proverb
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Who does not wish to be like the wolf let him not wear its skin. – Italian Proverb
John Locke~ I have always thought the actions of men the best interpreters of their thoughts.

John Heisman~ Gentlemen it is better to have died as a small boy than to fumble this football.
It’s always the wrong time of the month.
Work is for people who don’t know how to golf.
If I’ve learned anything in the past quarter century, it is that we cannot federalize virtue. -George Bush
Paul Valery~ That which has been believed by everyone always and everywhere has every chance of being false.
Such is human psychology that if we don’t express our joy, we soon cease to feel it. -Lin Yutang
Warning! Literal Belief In This Book May Endanger Your Health And Life.

Unknown~ Just once I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasnt immune to bullets.
All science is either physics or stamp collecting. -E. Rutherford. – E. Rutherford
S*x is like playing bridge: If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
Louis Gittner~ Love builds highways out of dead ends.
Our imagination is the only limit to what we can hope to have in the future. -Charles F. Kettering
New churches and new taverns are seldom empty. – German Proverb
Horace~ Make money money by fair means if you can if not but any means money.

Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements with care, for verily its perception and judgement oft exceed thine.
Who puts the thin ice sign in the middle of the thin ice?
A good marriage is like a casserole: only those involved actually know what goes into it.
Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do? Use a pencil till I get there
A tree often transplanted neither grows nor thrives. – Spanish Proverb
Why is a banana peel on the sidewalk like music? Because if you don’t C sharp you’ll B flat.

Everyone is trying to accomplish something big, not realizing that life is made up of little things. -Frank A. Clark
Knock Knock. Who’s there! Barrister! Barrister who? Barristercratic!
Clare Booth Luce~ You see few people here in America who really care very much about living a Christian life in a democratic world.
If cats and dogs can live together, why can’t men and women?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (A)nything but Windows?
Cats must turn over every glass just to watch the liquid pool.

Alfred Victor Vigny~ Every man has seen the wall that limits his mind.
Sicilian Proverb~ Only the spoon knows what is stirring in the pot.
Never ask pardon before you are accused. – Spanish Proverb
The world will end in five minutes. Please log out.
If a cats tail is straight up and fully bristled: The cat is showing aggression (toward another cat).
Lost your cat? Look under my tires.

Last night I got thrown out of a casino… apparently I completely misunderstood the crap table.
Kelly Le Brock~ On her first meeting with he ex-husband Steven Seagal He reminded me of an alien.
Bertrand Russell~ So far as I can remember there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.
Martin Luther~ A man cannot do good before he is made good.
hoked on fonix, itz ben good for me.

Elbert Hubbard~ Responsibilities gravitate to the person who can shoulder them.
Cicero~ Endless money forms the sinews of war.
Christina Georgina Rossetti~ He who has gone so we but cherish his memory abides with us more potent nay more present than the living man.
Fortune give many too much, but no one enough. – German Proverb

What kind of medicine does Dracula take for a cold? Coffin medicine.
All the world loves a lover. – Portuguese Proverb
Who knows not how to flatter knows not how to talk. – Italian Proverb
Three twigs twined tightly.
Its true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it but it’s also true that we don’t know what weve been missing until it arrives.
Need directions? — God

Who is always prying into other men’s affairs, leads a dangerous life. – Spanish Proverb
Theres Something About Mary~ Pat Healy Those goofy bastards are about the best thing Ive got going.
Benjamin Franklin~ By heaven we understand a state of happiness infinite in degree and endless in duration.
Samuel Johnson~ When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads
Yo mama is so fat that when she went bunggie jumping in a yellow dress, everyone was screaming the suns falling!
Mark Twain~ Few sinners are saved after the fiirst twenty minutes of a sermon.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market – FrankenBarbie . . . comes with bolts through her neck
Charles Evans Hughes~ While democracy must have its organizations and controls its vital breath is individual liberty.

Alfred North Whitehead~ Periods of tranquility are seldom prolific of creative achievement. Mankind has to be stirred up.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be baygulls (bagels, get it? ).
You might be a redneck if: You think your homepage is where you really live.
Benjamin Disraeli~ Desperation is sometimes as powerful an inspirer as genius.
There is but one good throw upon the dice, which is, to throw them away.

value added or add value.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.
Walt Kelly~ Now is the time for all good men to come to.
How can you tell if a man is cheating on you? He has a bath more than once a month.
Cats eyes come in three shapes: round, slanted and almond.

Les Miserables~ To love another person is to see the face of God.
There is not a pair of ears for every Jew. – Spanish Proverb
Elmer Davis~ This will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave.
Ambrose Bierce~ The covers of this book are too far apart.
The stronger the wind the stronger the trees. -Willard Marriott
Life must be understood backward. But it must be lived forward. -Soren Kierkegaard

Those who race through life finish first. (Darrel Hunsbedt)
Dr. Robert Schuller~ Life is but a moment death also is but another.
Ernest Hemingway~ When people talk listen completely. Most people never listen.
Andre Gide~ So long as we live among men let us cherish humanity.
At the end the Gloria is chanted. – Spanish Proverb
The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong but that’s the way to bet. – Damon Runyon
Wisdom whispers – foolishness shouts.

Imagination decides everything. -Blaise Pascal
The best of the mill is that the sacks can’t speak. – German Proverb
Who begins too much, accomplishes little. – German Proverb
Ralph Kiner~ Sutton lost games in a row without winning a ballgame.
He is not a man who cannot say no. – Italian Proverb
John A. Field~ I have been both rich and poor – while I have respect for both I am unimpressed and unawed by both as well.

Hard work means prosperity; only a fool idles away his time. -Proverbs
Lao Tzu~ A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
Nine nice night nymphs.
If you have fear of those that command you, spare those that obey you. -Rabbi Ben Azai
Roger Baldwin~ So long as we have enough people in this country willing to fight for their rights well be called a democracy.

Cats must lie next to their hooman’s ear and purr loudly.
Self-will so ardent and active that it will break a world to pieces to make a stool to sit on. -Richard Cecil
When it is dark enough, you can see the stars. -Charles Austin Beard
A man must be big enough to admit his mistakes, smart enough to profit from them, and strong enough to correct them. -John C. Maxwell

The unexpected always happens. – German Proverb
Joel Rosenberg~ Whatever you want too much you cant have so when you really want something try to want it a little less.
when in doubt, consult your inner child if it doesn’t come naturally, leave it.
Anthony DAngelo~ Transcend political correctness and strive for human righteousness.
William Hiram Foulkes~ Science and religion no more contradict each other than light and electricity.
I skate to where the puck is going to be, not where it is going. -Wayne Gretsky
Honk if you love Allah
Fools for luck. – German Proverb

It is no use saying, We are doing our best. You have got to succeed in doing what is necessary. -Winston Churchill
William Shakespeare~ I am not bound to please thee with my answers.
The good time comes but once. – Italian Proverb
The roses fall, the thorns remain. – Italian Proverb
Better envy than pity. – German Proverb
Hermann Hesse~ If I know what love is it is because of you.
Logan Pearsall Smith~ It is the wretchedness of being rich that you have to live with rich people.
Margaret Bonnano~ It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis.

Who helped Cinderella’s cat go to the ball? Her furry godmother.
There are two types of people in this world: those who leave a mark, and others who just leave a stain.
The common soldier’s blood makes the general great. – Italian Proverb
What do internet football fans sing? E we go E we go, E we go!
Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition. Now thats what you call pot luck!
Everyone enjoys doing the kind of work for which he is best suited. -Napoleon Hill
William Shakespeare~ Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie.
Cats always: Raise our spirits.
Clare Ansberry~ Gardens and flowers have a way of bringing people together drawing them from their homes.

Great minds have purposes, others have wishes. -Washington Irving
His bread fell into the honey. – Spanish Proverb
La Rochefoucauld~ Some disguised deceits counterfeit truth so perfectly that not to be taken in by them would be an error of judgment.
The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed. -Lloyd Jones
The best always goes first. – Italian Proverb
Adelle Davis~ We are indeed much more than what we eat but what we eat can nevertheless help us to be much more than what we are.

Unknown~ He who loses faith loses all.
A strong sense of duty can imprison you
Yo mamma is so fat, her husband has to stand up in bed each morning to see if it’s daylight.
To the good listener, half a word is enough. – Spanish Proverb
Benjamin Disraeli~ What we anticipate seldom occurs what we least expected generally happens.
And on the 8th day, God went skiing!

You might be a redneck if: You’ve ever been too drunk to chat.
If everyone gives one thread, the poor man will have a shirt. – Russian Proverb
Edward George Bulwer-Lytton~ Talent does what it can genius does what it must.
Mystery readers are never clueless (after chapter one)
We’re staying together for the sake of the cats!
If it is worth doing, it is worth overdoing! (Stacey Brown)

Alfred Lord Tennyson~ Words like nature half reveal and half conceal the soul within.
Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift! Well tell her to come inI can’t she doesn’t stop at this floor!
Gilbert Keith Chesterton~ Every man has his own courage and is betrayed because he seeks in himself the courage of other persons.
It is requisite for the relaxation of the mind that we make use, from time to time, of playful deeds and jokes.
Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out? A. They really raised Cain.
Knock Knock. Who’s there! Amazon! Amazon who? Amazon of a gun!
Q: what’s a biologists definition of a graphA: an animal with a long neck
What letter is like a vegetable? The letter P.
After the verb ‘to Love,’ ‘to Help’ is the most beautiful verb in the world. -Bertha Von Suttner

What did the police officer say to his stomach? I’ve got you under a vest.
Why are bats blind? Well, your eyesight wouldn’t be too good if you hung upside down all day would it?
Out for the Countby Esau Stars
God permits, but not for ever. – Portuguese Proverb
Czech Proverb~ When you go to buy use your eyes not your ears.
Jewish Proverb~ God could not be everywhere and therefore he created mothers.
Ovid~ Let your hook be always cast. In the pool where you least expect it will be fish.
Proofread carefully, to see if you any words out.