• “our grandfathers were mortal enemies during high school and they found out we go to the same school and keep trying to get us to sabotage each other and you’re super into it but like… i kind of have a huge crush on you so i’m having a hard time??”
  • “i walked into this restaurant and you thought i was your blind date and i just kind of went with it because i don’t want to eat alone”
  • “i’m a cab driver and you’re late to a business meeting and you are literally the most demanding pretentious piece of shit i’ve ever had the displeasure of driving but i also kind of want to fuck you in that suit”
  • “i started a bird watching club at school and you are the only one who showed up at the first meeting so now i love you”
  • “you’re my neighbor and your grandparents are coming to visit and you’ve apparently been feeding them a lie about how you’re dating me to get them off your case so could i please be your pretend date for like two days you will pay me in concert tickets and mac and cheese”
  • “my friend told me lick your mailbox on a dare and when i went to do the dare you were leaving the house to get your mail but i didn’t notice so now you’re staring at me as i lick your mailbox”
  • “i fell asleep on you and drooled all over your shoulder in a theater during a really bad movie and you were too nice to shove me off
  • “my best friend owns a restaurant and you wrote a bad review of it in the local paper so it has become my goal to track you down and fight you”
  • “i accidentally set your plant on fire and i felt super guilty so i went to the store to buy you another plant but they ran out of the plant that you had and i didn’t know what other kind of plant you liked so i may or may not have bought you enough plants to fill a small greenhouse?