How did the farmer find his lost cow? He tractor down
Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need. (Kahlil Gibran, poet)
Truth, like oil, always comes to the surface. – Spanish Proverb
Riches cause arrogance; poverty, meekness. – German Proverb
Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure. -Earl Nightingale
You may have grown old, but you may not have grown up.
The dog that bites does not bark in vain. – Italian Proverb
Doctor: Did you take the patient’s temperature? Nurse: No. Is it missing?
By their marks the bales are known. – Italian Proverb
Love without return is like a question without an answer. – German Proverb
Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, “I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum.”
It’s not the hours you put in, but what you put into the hours that count. -E James Rohn
No bird soars too high, if he soars with his own wings. -William Blake
Crow The~ Eric Draven Its not a good day to be a bad guy.
How do fireflies start a race? Ready steady glow!
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
I have found it is much easier to make a success in life than to make a success of one’s life. – G. W. Follin
Are birth control pills deductible? Only if they don’t work.
My kid saved your honor student — God.
Gloria Gaither~ Memories important yesterdays were once todays. Treasure and notice today.
Men are wise in proportion, not to their experience, but to their capacity for experience. -George Bernard Shaw
Ill in kine and worse in beeves. – Italian Proverb
Derek Curtis Bok~ If you think education is expensive try ignorance.
My Hockey Mom can beat up your Soccer Mom!
Metaphors be with you.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent? A snake in the brass!
What has four wheels and flies? A rubbish bin!
Having your lawyer pay for lunch will be very expensive in the end.
she’s quite a ONE !
Q: Why do Polish names end in ski? A: Because they can’t spell tobbagan.
Danish proverb~ No one is rich enough to do without a neighbor.
Anon.~ Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get its what you are expected to give – which is everything.
I am NOT a cat. I am – A hair relocation expert.
Much smoke, and little roast. – Italian Proverb
According to the custom of Aragon, good service, bad guerdon. – Spanish Proverb
Cats must knock the phone off the hook just to hear the neat BEEP-BEEP-BEEP noise.
Unknown~ If an artist is not able to commit himself totally to his art how can he expect the world to do so
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love. – Sting
What do ghosts watch if they want to relax? Skelly-vision!
Your feet are crooked, your hair is good for nothing, said the pig to the horse. – Russian Proverb
The bird hunting a locust is unaware of the hawk hunting him. – Portuguese Proverb
What do you get if you cross Dracula with AI Capone? A fangster.
If it is worth doing, it is worth overdoing!
Evan Esar~ Statistics The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.
I’d rather be dead than red. (60’s cliche).
You don’t have to worry that your cat will do drugs or join a gang.
Delegating work works, provided the one delegating works, too. -Robert Half
Good wind needs no bush. – Portuguese Proverb
Dante Alighieri~ In the middle of the journey of our life I came to myself within a dark wood where the straight way was lost.
William Blake~ Mutual forgiveness of each vice. Such are the Gates of Paradise.
The more I know the more I know I don’t know.
What noise does a cat make going down the highway? Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!
Henry Miller~ If there is to be any peace it will come through being not having.
Can you imagine what I would do if I could do all I can? -Sun Tzu
If someone is too tired to give you a smile, leave one of your own, because no one needs a smile as much as those who have none to give.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow? Cowboom!
What do you call a witch who climbs up walls? Ivy.
If you want to be served, serve yourself. – Portuguese Proverb
Dr. Robert Schuller~ Let your imagination release your imprisoned possibilities.
I don’t understand you. You don’t understand me. What else do we have in common? – Ashleigh
Kahlil Gibran~ Progress lies not in enhancing what is but in advancing toward what will be.
Nobody can do it for you. – Ralph Cordiner
Would you like to buy a second-hand computer? I’m afraid not. I’m only able to type with one hand as it is.
Virgil~ It never troubles the wolf how many the sheep may be.
Some notable people who disliked cats:  Napoleon Bonaparte, Dwight D. Eisenhower, Hitler.
Little folks are fond of talking about what great folks do. – German Proverb
Stray Cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
Trouble is a part of your life, and if you don’t share it, you don’t give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough. (Dinah Shore)
Joe Moore~ Its practically impossible to look at a penguin and feel angry.
Where do cows like to live? St. Moo-is.
Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl~ Jack You seem somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before
Tom Lehrer~ I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man and I hate people like that
He has much to do who would please everybody. – Spanish Proverb
Alexander Pope~ Be thou the first true merit to befriend his praise is lost who stays till all commend.
Chester William Nimitz~ A ship is always referred to as she because it costs so much to keep one in paint and powder.
Ernie Banks~ Lets play two
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. -Anonymous
Q: How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde? A: It is the one with the kickstand.
Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around. Don’t worry, it’s just a bug that’s going around!
Jesus loves you! It’s everybody else that thinks you’re a c*nt
Dr. Karl Menninger~ Love is a medicine for the sickness of the world a prescription often given too rarely taken.
The essence of worldliness is exclusion of God. – Henry Jacobsen
Female cats are polyestrous, which means they may have many heat periods over the course of a year.
What do lightning bolts do when they laugh? -They crack up
Gen. George Pickett~ Up men to your posts Dont forget today that you are from old Virginia.
You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. ~Wayne Gretzky
Wilson Mizner~ The worst-tempered people Ive ever met were the people who knew they were wrong.
Make your life a mission, not an intermission. (Arnold Glasgow)
There is no worse thief than a bad book. – Italian Proverb
Ducats are clipped, pence are not. – German Proverb
Get off my tail or I’ll flick boogers on your windsheild!
Only our individual faith in freedom can keep us free. -Dwight D. Eisenhower
John Gay~ The comfortable estate of widowhood is the only hope that keeps up a wifes spirits.
Cats must try to nibble the comb/brush when their Mom grooms them.
Francois Marie Arouet Voltaire~ Doubt is uncomfortable certainty is ridiculous.
A truth spoken before its time is dangerous.
George Bernard Shaw~ Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn.
There is hope from the sea, but none from the grave. – Irish Proverb
Victor Hugo~ Forty is the old age of youth fifty is the youth of old age.
It is a poor fox that has but one hole. – German Proverb
The relative speed of a computer, regardless of CPU architecture, is inversely proportional to the number of Microsoft products installed.
Better lady in a cottage than serving-woman in a castle. – Darkovan Proverb
Leon Wieseltier~ No great deed private or public had ever been undertaken in a bliss of certainty.
Richard Royster~ Acceptance of dissent is the fundamental requirement of a free society.
not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin!
There are no limitations to the mind except those we acknowledge. -Napoleon Hill
Henry Kissinger~ The great tragedies of history occur not when right confronts wrong but when two rights confront each other.
Cat Note2self: The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
Vacation is what you take when you can’t take what you’ve been taking any longer.
Hot Flash? No, power surge!
Life is not fair, but life is not fair for everyone. That makes life fair.
It’s easier to go down a hill than up it but the view is much better at the top. – Arnold Bennet
A good thing lost is valued. – Italian Proverb
Sign of a Loser: She’s had bad luck with two husbands, The first on left her, and the second one won’t.
Marie Louise De La Ramee~ Could we see when and where we are to meet again we would be more tender when we bid our friends goodbye.
Tom: What did the banana say to the elephant? Nick: I don’t know. Tom: Nothing. Bananas can’t talk.
Mahatma Gandhi~ Indolence is a delightful but distressing state we must be doing something to be happy.
After one vice a greater follows. – Spanish Proverb
He is not a thorough wise man who cannot play the fool on occasion. – Italian Proverb
The journey is the reward. -Chinese proverb
P.L. Berger~ In science as in love too much concentration on technique can often lead to impotence.
Dream as if you’ll live forever… live as if you’ll die today. -James Dean
Walter Lippmann~ Love endures only when the lovers love many things together and not merely each other.
A great position entails great responsibility. – Spanish Proverb
Q: Why aren’t Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Genius is nothing more than inflamed enthusiasm. -Unknown Author
I never did a day’s work in my life. It was all fun. -Thomas Alva Edison
Six sharp smart sharks.
Unknown~ You only live once but if you live right once is enough.
Customer: I thought the meals here were supposed to be like mother used to make. Waiter: They are. She couldn’t cook either.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
What does Frankenstein’s monster call a screwdriver? Daddy.
Why me? Why is it always me?
Why do Apes love to go to school in bad neighbourhoods? They like any jungle – even a blackboard jungle!
A leader is best when people barely know he exists, when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say: We did it ourselves.
Cat Self-Disipline: Be comfortable ……
The bigger the river the bigger the fish. – Portuguese Proverb
The possible’s slow fuse is lit by the imagination. -Emily Dickinson
What happens if you cross a parrot with a Gorilla? Nobody is sure, but if it opened its mouth to speak, you’d listen!
Knock Knock. Who’s there! Agatha! Agatha who? Agatha headache. Do you have an aspirin?
Jewish Proverb~ The only truly dead are those who have been forgotten.
Blaise Pascal~ The eternal silence of these infinite spaces fills me with dread.
Jean-Paul Sartre~ Everything has been figured out except how to live.
Denis Watley~ Mistakes are painful when they happen but years later a collection of mistakes is what is called experience.
You Might Be a Sad Sack If: Your imaginary friends keep finding excuses not to come over.
A buffeting threatened is never well given. – Spanish Proverb
The most important key to achieving great success is to decide upon your goal and launch, get started, take action, move. -Brian Tracy
Robert Anson Heinlein~ The stars incline but do not impel.
Ayn Rand~ Money is the barometer of a societys virtue.
Greenday~ Something unpredictable but in the end its right I hope you have the time of your life.
If you have one pair of good soles it is better than two pairs of good uppers. – Irish Proverb
False Frank fled Flo Friday.
Cats are companions. Dogs are slaves.
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn’t come in until half-past five. ~Henny Youngman
Freckle-faced Freddie fidgets.
Q: What’s the definition of a gentleman? A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn’t!
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. (Winston Churchill)
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
I hear and I forget, I see and I remember, I do and I understand. (Chinese proverb)
Expect nothing; be prepared for anything. -Samurai Saying
What is a pigs favourite ballet? Swine Lake!
Melissa Timberman~ You simply *must* stop taking advice from other people.
e e cummings~ Unless you love someone nothing else makes any sense.
What’s the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.
a penny saved is a penny saved.
What does a footballer and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks!
Who cannot fight, wins nought by right. – German Proverb
What happened to the tiger who took a bath three times a day? After a week he was spotless!
Where there are no swamps there are no frogs. – German Proverb
I am dying from the treatment of too many physicians. – Alexander The Great
Lord John Whorfin~ History is made at night. Character is what you are in the dark.
Yo mama so fat she’s got her own area code!
Wives often object to life insurance, widows never do.
Julius Henry Marx~ From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Henri Frdric Amiel~ Work while you have the light. You are responsible for the talent that has been entrusted to you.
Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -Emily Dickenson
Q: WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI? A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.
Father: Don’t you think our son gets his brains from me? Mother: Probably, dear. I still have all of mine.
Adlai Ewing Stevenson~ All progress has resulted from people who took unpopular positions.
William Shakespeare~ The course of true love never did run smooth.
If we preach what we live….We don’t ever have to worry about practicing what we preach!
Joseph Addison~ Self discipline is that which next to virtue truly and essentially raises one man above another.
Borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.
Ninety percent of all politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. -Henry Kissinger
What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese? He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath!
Martin Luther King Jr.~ Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
The only real failure in life is one not learned from. -Anthony J. D’Angelo
How do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
Children need models rather than critics. -Joseph Joubert Persees
A group of cats is called a clowder.
Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing. -Vincent Lombardi
We are already too dependent on gambling revenue. If we continue, we will soon be owned by them. – Donald L. Carcieri
How many cashiers does it take to change a light bulb? Are you kidding? They won’t even change a five dollar bill.
He who is his own teacher, has a fool for his pupil. – German Proverb
Chickens can’t go back into eggs. – Darkovan Proverb
God loves you right where you are but he doesn’t want to leave you there.
Wherever you are, do as you see done. – Spanish Proverb
Ralph Waldo Emerson~ Character is what can do without success.
Thomas John Watson Sr.~ The ability to ask the right question is more than half the battle of finding the answer.
Robertson Davies~ Authors like cats because they are such quiet lovable wise creatures and cats like authors for the same reasons.
Lynn Johnston~ No matter how old you are theres always something good to look forward to.
George Bernard Shaw~ Hell is full of musical amateurs.
Furball – a game cats like to play on the floor
William Shakespeare~ Thy words I grant are bigger for I wear not my dagger in my mouth.
Benjamin Disraeli~ Seeing much suffering much and studying much are the three pillars of learning.
The woman in finery, the house in filth, but the doorway swept. – Spanish Proverb
The commerce of the world is conducted by the strong, and usually it operates against the weak. – Henry Ward Beecher
Q: Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes? A: Gives ’em something to do on Saturday night!
Dag Hammarskjld~ I am the vessel. The draft is Gods. And God is the thirsty one.
Lao Tzu~ The Way of Heaven is to benefit others and not to injure. The Way of the sage is to act but not to compete.
Saint Francis of Assisi~ For it is in giving that we receive.
I saw a man, who saw another man, who saw the sea. – Portuguese Proverb
Jean Pierre Claris De Florian~ Pleasure of love lasts but a moment Pain of love lasts a lifetime.
Cornelius Tacitus~ That cannot be safe which is not honourable.
The voice of the people is the voice of God. – Spanish Proverb
Stephen Covey~ Doing more things faster is no substitute for doing the right things.
The cat is a good friend, only she scratches. – Portuguese Proverb
I would rather be able to appreciate things I can not have than to have things I am not able to appreciate. -Elbert Hubbard
When you cease to dream you cease to live. -Malcolm S. Forbes
How about never? Is never good for you?
Samuel Goldwyn~ I never put on a pair of shoes until Ive worn them at least five years.
Less is more. – German Proverb
Barbara Kingsolver~ What keeps you going isnt some fine destination but just the road youre on and the fact that you know how to drive.
What’s musical and holds gallons and gallons of beer? A barrel organ.
Woody Allen~ Love is the answer but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Robert Altman~ To play it safe is not to play.
The only thing you will take through those pearly gates is what you have given away. -Marcia Moore
When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece. -John Ruskin
Eggs should not fight stones. – Darkovan Proverb
Oprah Winfrey~ With every experience you alone are painting your own canvas thought by thought choice by choice.
How does an elephant get down from a tree? He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn!
Goddess in training!
There is no house without its hush! hush! – Spanish Proverb
A joyful evening may follow a sorrowful morning. – English Proverb
The fugitive finds everything impede him. – Italian Proverb
William E. Brock~ Its an insane tragedy that people get a diploma each year and cant read the damned diploma.
If you can’t beat ’em, join’em.
What business is King Kong in? Monkey business.
My Aunt Maud had so many candles on her last birthday cake that all her party guests got sunburnt!
What do you call a 100 year old ant? An antique!
The cats saliva is a powerful cleaning agent and deodorant.
Lillian Smith~ To believe in something to yet proved and to underwrite it with our lives it is the only way we can leave the future open.
Hard work never hurt anybody, but then I figured why take the risk.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe~ All theory dear friend is gray but the golden tree of life springs ever green.
When they were giving out heads, you thought they said sheds, and you said “I’d like a nice big wooden one”
Maturity is the capacity to endure uncertainty. -John Huston Finley
Cat o’nine tails – A whip
Albert Ellis~ The art of love … is largely the art of persistence.
Wisdom will keep you from getting into situations where you need it. (Bruce M. Sandbrook)
One chance is all you need. -Jesse Owens
Jim Webb~ Before all else each of us must take a fundamental risk – to be true to ourselves.
Your so bald your bald.
On what should you mount a statue of your cat? A caterpillar!
Whitney Balliett~ A critic is a bunch of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
Robert Joseph Bob Dole~ Well all be riding that streetcar of desire.
Sure you can trust the government. Just ask an Indian!
Why are oranges like bells? You can peel (peal) both of them.
Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends.
Anthony Robbins~ Let fear be a counselor and not a jailer.
Saint Augustine~ Christ is not valued at all unless He is valued above all.
The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty. -Winston Churchill
Arthur Miller~ A good newspaper I suppose is a nation talking to itself.
I am NOT a cat. I am – Can opener radar.
Harold S. Geneen~ We must not be hampered by yesterdays myths in concentrating on todays needs.
Unknown~ You have to eat the first piece of candy Before you can eat the whole bag.
Abraham Lincoln~ I dont know who my grandfather was I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
What is much desired is not believed when it comes. – Spanish Proverb
Q. Why did the blonde get thrown out of the M & M factory? A. She kept throwing out all the W’s.
Arnold Glasgow~ Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects.
I tried to send an e-mail and broke my computer. How do you manage that? I think it was when I tried to push it through the letterbox.
Walt Disney~ If you can dream it you can do it.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
G. K. Chesterton~ Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the violinist.
Alma Powell~ I dont want to describe the hate mail weve gotten. (on why she was fearful of her husband running for president)
Richard Milhous Nixon~ I concede
What do you call a 100 spiders on a tyre? A spinning wheel!
Mark Twain~ Water taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
Q: Why does everyone love cats? – A: They’re purr-fect!
Friedrich Nietzsche~ Insanity in individuals is something rare – but in groups parties nations and epochs it is the rule.
Seasons Greetingsby Mary Christmas
Greek Proverb~ The beginning is the half of every action.
Cats don’t whine. Thankfully. Whining is just so annoying.
Hell has no exits. Heaven needs none.
Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola? A: A violator.
Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film! Hmmmm. Let’s hope nothing develops.
What do you call a hairy ruler with an attitude? …. A cat.
William Ellery Channing~ Difficulties are meant to rouse not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict.
Q: Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake? A: It did $100 million worth of improvements.
Why was he woman arrested on a cattle ranch for wearing a silk dress? She was charged with rustling!
Scobe’s Fourth Law: The smoke in the casino always drifts towards the non-smoker, regardless of which way the air conditioner is blowing.
What do cannibal say when they say grace? ‘We thank you, Lord, for our daily dead! ‘
I always entertain great hopes. -Robert Frost
Three who held each other are as good as six. – Spanish Proverb
Tom Robbins~ To achieve the impossible it is precisely the unthinkable that must be thought.
Why, if the best things in life are free, the next-best things are so expensive?
No one would be an innkeeper but for money. – Spanish Proverb
What’s the difference between a sick elephant and seven days? One is a weak one and the other one week!
Dante Alighieri~ For what is liberty but the unhampered translation of will into act
Objects in mirror may have flunked driver education.
What did the calf say to the silo? Is my fodder in there?
Action is the product of the qualities inherent in nature. – Bhagavadgita
A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd. -James Crook
unwept, unhonored and unsung.
Thomas Alva Edison~ Genius is inspiration and perspiration.
Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts. (Sign hanging in Albert Einstein’s office)
What is a cow’s favourite TV show? Dr Moo!
It’s good to give extra money to charity
Samuel Johnson~ Classical quotation is the parole of literary men all over the world.
Nancy Astor~ The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.
Better one “Take this,” than two “I will give you.” – Spanish Proverb
Even the best hack stumbles once. – German Proverb